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Off-The-Wall   1 - Duke Energy Employee Advocate

Off The Wall - Page 5

"Everybody anticipated the breach of the levee, Mr. President. This included the clay figurine, Mr. Bill, from
‘Saturday Night Live.’ How can it be that Mr. Bill was better informed than Mr. Bush?" - Sen. Mary Landrieu

Zero Tolerance for Unkempt Clothes

Employee Advocate - - July 9, 2010

"ironing is woman's work"

A 29-year-old man has zero tolerance for wrinkled clothes, according to The Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

When his mother refused to iron his clothes, the man took her keys and cellular phones at gunpoint. He then held her hostage for at least six hours.

The man, who lives with his parents, told his mother "ironing is woman's work."

The man did not get his clothes ironed. He did get arrested on aggravated assault and false imprisonment charges.

Zero Tolerance for Bubble Blowing

Zero Tolerance for Bubble Blowing

Employee Advocate - - June 19, 2010

Bloody Bloke Blew Bubble. Bubble Busted. Baffled Blower Busted.

Son, don't take your gum to town.

An Australian magistrate has zero tolerance for bubble blowing, according to the Herald Sun.

The case of the busted bubble blower began in court. A gum chewing, 20-year-old, assault suspect blew a bubble and popped it while looking at the magistrate.

The bubble blower was immediately jailed to begin a 30-day sentence for scandalizing the court and challenging its authority.

Melbourne's Supreme Court later released the man on bond pending an appeal.

Zero Tolerance for Doodling

Zero Tolerance for Doodling

Employee Advocate - - February 28, 2010

On February 1, a Queens student was arrested, handcuffed, and detained by police officers for hours, according to the New York Daily News and The crime was defacing school property. The news congers up the image of maybe an 18-year-old, 200-pound, heavily armed gang member carving "DEATH TO ALL #%&@!*# TEACHERS" into his desk.

It turns out that the perpetrator was a 12-year-old girl. Her weapon of choice was a lime green, erasable marker. Her offending words were "I love my friends Abby and Faith," and "Lex was here. 2/1/10." She also drew a smiley face on her desk.

The student was also suspended from school, assigned eight hours of community service, a book report, and an essay on what she learned from the experience. The suspension was later dropped. Her mother said that she still missed three days of school that she spent "throwing up."

This was not the first doodling arrest. In 2007, a 13-year-old girl was arrested in Brooklyn for writing "okay" on her desk.

The FBI announced, this week, that it is investigating school officials in Pennsylvania for spying on a student at home via a school-issued laptop with a Web cam.

After spying on the student and what he typed on the computer, the vice principal accused the student of dealing drugs. The "drugs" turned out to be Mike and Ike candies.

Zero Tolerance for Alphabet Ignorance

Zero Tolerance for Alphabet Ignorance

Employee Advocate - - February 15, 2010

An Army sergeant apparently has zero tolerance for ignorance of the alphabet, according to ABC News.

The accused, who spent 15 months in Iraq, admitted to waterboarding his 4-year-old daughter for not reciting the alphabet, after a 3-hour grilling.

Police were called to investigate the disturbance. The little girl was found hiding in a locked bathroom. Police said the girl had "multiple bruises pretty much all over her body."

The assault victim said "It was hot! The water was hot!"

The solider told police that "his purpose was to punish her by putting her in the water because he knows she is afraid of it and he wanted her to cooperate."

The sergeant attested to the effectiveness of waterboarding by stating "She said her letters after that."

Dick Cheney would, no doubt, swell with pride.

War victims are never limited to the battlefield.

Zero Tolerance for - Eating Utensils?

Zero Tolerance for – Eating Utensils?

Employee Advocate - - October 13, 2009

School officials in Delaware have zero tolerance for eating utensils, according to the New York Times.

6-year-old Zachary had just joined the Cub Scouts. He was so excited that he brought his camping eating utensil to first grade. It featured a spoon, fork, and knife.

It was the knife part that prompted the Gestapo to spring into action. Zachary was suspended from school, and faces 45 days in reform school!

But one must nip these things in the bud. Today it’s bringing eating utensils to school, tomorrow it’s blowing up the twin towers.

Zachary said “It just seems unfair.”

Zachary’s mother said “Zachary wears a suit and tie some days to school by his own choice because he takes school so seriously.”

In another case, a grandmother sent a birthday cake to school, along with a knife to cut it. You know where this is leading. The third-grade girl was expelled for a year!

Zachary summed up his plight by saying “I just think the other kids may tease me for being in trouble…but I think the rules are what is wrong, not me.”

Young Zachary is well on his way to understanding just how the system works.

Zero Tolerance for Overtime

Zero Tolerance for Working Overtime

Employee Advocate - - August 22, 2009

Texas appellate court Judge Sharon Keller has zero tolerance for overtime, according to the New York Times.

Michael Richard was scheduled to die by lethal injection on the night of September 25, 2007. On that very day, the U.S. Supreme Court announced that it would consider a case on whether or not lethal injection violated the 8th amendment's ban on cruel and unusual punishment.

The condemned man’s attorneys were trying to file a last-minute appeal, but were having computer problems. The attorneys contacted Judge Keller’s office and requested a little more time to get the appeal filed.

Judge Keller said “We close at five.”

Michael Richard was executed that night.

At a hearing on Wednesday, Judge Keller was asked if she would still make the same decision.

Judge Keller replied "Yes. That is correct."

Update on “Zero Tolerance for Yawing”: Clifton Williams, who was sentenced to six months in jail for yawing in court, was released after three weeks.

Zero Tolerance for Yawning

Zero Tolerance Yawning

Employee Advocate - – August 13, 2009

Circuit Judge Daniel Rozak has zero tolerance for yawing in his courtroom, according to the Chicago Tribune.

Clifton Williams was in the Will County Courthouse for his cousin’s felony drug trial. His cousin, Jason Mayfield, plead guilty and only received probation.

Williams was not so fortunate. While the judge was sentencing Mayfield to probation, Williams raised his hands a let out a loud yawn. The judge sentenced Williams to six months in jail for contempt. He was locked up on July 23.

The prosecutor was quoted as saying "it was not a simple yawn - it was a loud and boisterous attempt to disrupt the proceedings."

Zero Tolerance for Slow Food

Zero Tolerance for Slow Food

Employee Advocate - - June 20, 2009

Police have zero tolerance for slow food service in Aurora, Colorado, according to CBS4 News.

On May 21, two off-duty Denver police officers at a McDonald's restaurant felt that their order was taking too long. One of the officers is accused of drawing his gun and aiming it through the drive through window.

The case is classified as a felony menacing incident and criminal charges are possible.

Zero Tolerance for Hotdogs

A Fitting Tribute to George W. Bush

Employee Advocate - - June 26, 2008

The Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco has an idea for a suitable memorial for G. W. Bush, according to the New York Times. It wants a vote to rename a waste treatment plant to the George W. Bush Sewage Plant.

It is said to be “an appropriate honor for a truly unique president.”

The problem is that this is really a first-class plant. Why should a prize-winning sewage plant be stuck with a stinking name like George W. Bush?

If the renaming passes, it will take place on inauguration day. Supporters of the idea plan to commemorate the inaugural with a synchronized flush of hundreds of thousands of toilets.

It remains to be seen whether G. W. Bush will be flushed with pride over his new tribute.

Fox Exposes George W. Bush’s Secret Fear

Zero Tolerance for Hotdogs

Employee Advocate - - April 6, 2008

Someone in Florida has zero tolerance for hotdogs, according to

There was an argument between a man and wife over having hotdogs for dinner.

Police reported that the man apparently snatched the plate of hotdogs from his wife’s hands.

His enraged wife stabbed him in the shoulder with a steak knife.

The wounded man then aimed a pistol at his wife’s head and said he was going to kill her.

Both were arrested.

One shutters to think what would have happened if the wife had severed Hamburger Helper!

Zero Tolerance for the Teacher

Zero Tolerance for the Teacher

Employee Advocate - – April 2, 2008

Eleven Waycross, Georgia students apparently had zero tolerance for their teacher. The students hatched a plot to kill her, according to First Coast News.

They brought a knife, heavy paperweight, tape, handcuffs, and gloves to school. One student was assigned the task of wiping up the blood.

After a student tipped off police, the perpetrators were suspended from school.

Why weren’t the aspiring killers arrested?

They are in the third grade. The murder was planned by boys and girls 8 and 9-years-old.

Zero Tolerance for Early Gift Opening, 2007

A Reddy Kilowatt Christmas

Employee Advocate - - December 25, 2007

Employee Advocate: Come in. May I help you?

Reddy Kilowatt: Long time, no see.

Employee Advocate: Reddy? Reddy Kilowatt? Is it really you?

Reddy Kilowatt: It’s really me.

Employee Advocate: I didn’t recognize you at first. You are sober! And, you are clean!

Reddy Kilowatt: I thought I would just bolt in. Get it? Lightening bolt – bolt in – get it?

Employee Advocate: (Groan) Yes, it’s really you.

You were really a mess the last time I saw you. How did you manage to clean up your act?

Reddy Kilowatt: Well, I came to realize that by helping someone who was more washed up than I was, my own situation did not seem as bad. Then I got off the gin. I moved out of my cardboard box and into a homeless shelter. Soon after that, my cough cleared up!

People may not think that I have much to be happy about, but I feel like I own the world!

Employee Advocate: That’s a remarkable story.

Reddy Kilowatt: I have someone that I want you to meet. He’s in the hall.

Employee Advocate: Reddy, why did you drag in a raggedy sofa that looks like it was pulled from a dump?

Reddy Kilowatt: You’re half right. I did pull it from a dump, but it’s not a raggedy sofa. It’s Zax!

Employee Advocate: Good grief! What happened to him?

Reddy Kilowatt: Duke trash canned him - I mean literally trash canned him!

Zax was told that he was going to receive a special holiday award. All he had to do was walk through the “award” door.

Zax ran through the door, but it opened to the outside of the building. He fell 5 stories into a dumpster. It’s part of Duke’s new Accelerated Attrition Pprogram or AAP.

You know, Zax would always fall for anything. Get it? Fall for anything - fall into a dumpster. Get it? Get it?

Zax: (Sob).

Employee Advocate: That reminds me of the security officer who was asked to carry some boxes to the parking lot. When he got outside, he found out the boxes contained all his personal belongings. He was terminated in the parking lot.

Reddy Kilowatt: As you might imagine, Zax is a little depressed. I thought that maybe we could give him some Christmas cheer.

Employee Advocate: Good idea. Zax look like he could use all the Christmas cheer he can get.

Reddy Kilowatt: It was terrible when I got downsized, but at least I wasn’t trashed canned!

Zax: (Sob).

Reddy Kilowatt: One day, I was dumpster diving for dinner and thought that I spied a purple sofa cushion. When I pulled it out – it was Zax! He has followed me around like a lost puppy ever since.

It was too small, cold and wet for Zax to live in my cardboard box, so I took him to a homeless shelter. A kind lady there said “There’s room for you too, Reddy. It’s time for you to come in out of the cold.”

I said “No thanks; I have a place." But Zax said that if I did not stay, he was not staying.

What could I do? I’m tough and can make it on the streets, but Zax would have never survived. We’ve been in the shelter every since.

Some people may think that one has hit rock bottom to be living in a homeless shelter. But Zax and I can tell you that rock bottom is living in a cold, leaky cardboard box or a smelly dumpster.

It takes all my time looking after Zax. I have to make sure that he does not put beans in his nose or walk into a wall. When I get the money, I’m going to rent a carpet shampooing machine and give Zax a good cleaning.

Employee Advocate: What about all of Zax’s wealth?

Reddy Kilowatt: Like so many high-rollers, Zax was leveraged to the hilt. In good times, he just kept getting richer. But when the foreclosure scandal started unfolding, Zax was wiped out fast.

The “easy mortgages for the financially shaky” scandal got so bad that a salesman tried to get me to refinance my cardboard box. When I told him there was no mortgage, he tried to sign me up for a reverse mortgage!

Zax did not have a clue about any of his financial holdings. He just did whatever the hot money boys told him to do. Now that he is wiped out, they will not even return his calls.

Zax: (Sob).

Employee Advocate: Why was Zax trash canned?

Reddy Kilowatt: No one knows the full story, as Duke has never admitted to ever making a mistake. But we all know that Zax was a huge mistake.

Zax: (Sob).

Reddy Kilowatt: Of course, Zax was never an original character. Dr. Seuss wrote "The Zax" in 1961. It was published in a book called “The Sneetches and Other Stories.”

Dr. Seuss wrote about a North-going Zax and a South-going Zax. But Duke’s Zax was a down-going Zax! Get it? Down-going Zax - fell down into a dumpster. Get it?

Zax: (Sob).

Reddy Kilowatt: There are at least two animated versions of "The Zax."

The Zax, version 1

The Zax, version 2

Then there is the fact that Duke’s Zax was never very popular. He was just too stupid!

Zax: (Sob).

Reddy Kilowatt: Even after years of being force fed Zax, the public still remembered ME as the symbol of Duke Power. Not Zax, but ME, ME, ME!

Zax: (Sob).

Reddy Kilowatt: Why just this year, John Grooms mentioned me in an article published in Creative Loafing. It stated that Charlotte Mayor Pat McCrory was once bucking to be the head of the EPA. He could not deliver Charlotte for G. W. Bush in 2004, so he did not get the job.

But McCrory chaired the committee that drafted USMCPA, a pledge by city representatives to cut greenhouse gases. Over 400 cities are backing the pledge, but McCrory has refused to sign his own pledge! He decided he does not like the pledge because it does not support nuclear power.

Mr. Grooms stated: “I have to say that I am shocked - shocked! - that any Charlotte politician would be in the back pocket of one of our biggest corporations...I thought he was going to announce he was changing his name to Reddy Kilowatt.”

The story had a picture of me with Pat McCrory’s head pasted on it.

Creative Loafing

There was no picture of Zax with Pat McCrory’s head pasted on it!

Zax: (Sob).

Reddy Kilowatt: I was once welcomed into the homes of dukes and earls. Get it? Dukes, earls - Doris Duke, Earl Owensby – get it?

Employee Advocate: Earl Owensby?

Reddy Kilowatt: He was the original buyer of Duke’s failed Cherokee Nuclear Plant.

Employee Advocate: Oh, yeah.

Did you know that Duke bought back a half interest in Cherokee and is trying to license a new nuclear plant on the site?

Duke wants the free taxpayers’ money offered by G. W. Bush. But Bush’s days in the White House are numbered and Duke could be left holding the nuclear bag once again.

Reddy Kilowatt: Except this time Duke pushed through legislation in South Carolina that will leave the ratepayers holding the bag. Similar laws are being worked on for North Carolina. And as usual, if there’s a severe nuclear accident, the taxpayers will be left holding the bag.

Anyway, back to my popularity. There were Reddy Kilowatt comic books and Reddy Kilowatt lapel pins. I think that a lot of people never even knew that Zax existed.

Zax: (Sob).

Employee Advocate: Zax doesn’t seem to have a whole lot to say.

Reddy Kilowatt: Zax understands that he is not the sharpest tool in the shed. He subscribes to Abraham Lincoln’s advice: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

Zax: (Sob).

Employee Advocate: You know, to be Zax’s benefactor, you don’t cut him much slack.

Reddy Kilowatt: Hey, I believe in tough love. Zax knows who put him in the dumpster and he knows who pulled him out.

Corporations love nothing better than pitting employee against employee. While employees fight amongst each other, the corporations get by with murder! It’s not your fellow employee who is lowering your standard of living and forcing you into a bleak retirement with substandard medical care. If you find an employee in a dumpster – pull him out!

Now, back to my popularity. People DO still remember me, even though I am not Duke’s current mascot. Get it? Current mascot - electrical current. Get it?

Zax: (Sob).

Employee Advocate: I think you are on to something, Reddy. It’s time for employees to quit bickering with each other and concentrate on the real problem.

Reddy Kilowatt: You’ve got it. When employees focus on the common goal of obtaining justice, tremendous power can be generated.

Employee Advocate: I get it, Reddy. I get it. Power generated – electric power; I get it.

Reddy Kilowatt: You’re really catching on.

I hate to say this, but Zax and I are really two of a kind. We both put our trust in the integrity of Duke Energy and we were almost destroyed because of it.

Zax cannot go to work for another company, because he’s classified as a mascot consultant by Duke.

Employee Advocate: That might not be to bad. Ruth Shaw made out big time with her consulting position this year. She got a lump sum of twice her annual salary and target bonus; a lump sum to buy medical, dental and life insurance for two years; a lump sum retirement payment, with two years of credit added and a pro rated bonus for 2007.

Plus, she will get $25,000 a month for three years, but only have to consult for two years.

Reddy Kilowatt: Such deals are only for executives. Corporations bend over backwards looking for creative ways to throw more money at executives. They constantly search for new ways to load up executives with more benefits, bonuses, and perks.

Corporations are equally vigilant in searching for creative ways to take what employees have already earned under existing rules. They constantly chisel away employee benefits from every direction.

Zax gets $10.85 per lustrum in consulting fees.

Employee Advocate: Per lustrum?

Reddy Kilowatt: Zax gets ten dollars and eighty-five cents every 5 years – before tax and Medicare deductions.

Duke does not want Zax to forget about it either. Zax is bombarded with statements called “Your Security” and “Your Hidden Paycheck.” Zax gets me to read them to him every night. He goes to sleep dreaming of what he’ll do with the money.

Employee Advocate: I hate to burst Zax’s bubble, but just because Duke promises you something in writing, does not necessarily mean that you will actually get it.

Zax: (Sob).

Reddy Kilowatt: You know, my cash balance amount was a lot smaller than the old retirement plan would have paid out. The cash balance plan put me living in a cardboard box for years!

Employee Advocate: Did Zax get a cash balance amount?

Reddy Kilowatt: Zax got a 500 page document of exclusions, waivers, and loopholes to read and sign before the money is disbursed. It will probably be a while before he gets it read. It will probably be a long while, since Zax cannot read.

Zax: (Sob).

Employee Advocate: We had better end this. I don’t think that Zax can stand any more cheering up this Christmas.

Reddy Kilowatt: You’re right. Merry Christmas.

Employee Advocate: Merry Christmas.

Zax: (Sob).

An Interview with Reddy Kilowatt

Christmastime Merrymaking

Employee Advocate - - December 24, 2007

Last year about this time, at a Christmas party, a North Carolina woman castrated a man with her artificial fingernails. Self defense was claimed at her recent trial, according to the Associated Press. The judge declared a mistrial, after the jury became deadlocked 8-4. Four jurors prevented a conviction. Prosecutors plan to retry a woman.

In describing the deliberations, one juror said "It was a whole lot of arguing, a whole lot of yelling."

Well, just imagine the arguing and yelling that took place at the Christmas party!

The New York Times reported that a woman sat on Santa’s lap and fondled him at a Danbury Fair Mall. Santa may have had the castration story on his mind, because charged her with fourth-degree sexual assault and breach of peace.

There was a assault case in Chapel Hill that you don’t hear of every day, according to The News & Observer. It involved three UNC-Chapel Hill football players, alcohol, a butcher knife, and three suspects.

The suspects, two women and a man, took the football players home from a bar. One player was so drunk that he had to be put to bed. The other two players got more than they bargained for.

The Assistant District Attorney said that one of the players asked one of the women to stop touching him. In response, both women began punching him in the head. Two of the player were stripped, bound with duct tape, robbed, threatened with a butcher knife, and sexually assaulted.

Hey, you’ve got to watch those scorned women!

Tnika Monta Washington, 29, of Durham, Monique Jenice Taylor, 28, of Greenville and Michael Troy Lewis, 32, of Durham were arrested.

The women were charged with resisting a public officer, three counts of first-degree kidnapping, and three counts of felony conspiracy. One woman was also charged with three counts of first-degree sex offense. The other woman was charged with one count of first-degree sex offense.

The male suspect made an unusual escape attempt. He bit a police officer in the groin and pushed him down stairs.

The escape attempt failed and the man was charged with three counts each of kidnapping, conspiracy, and attempted felony larceny, and two counts each of robbery with a dangerous weapon and assault on a government official, and one count of resisting an officer.

The man is under $500,000 bond. The bond for the women was reduced from $500,000 to $50,000.

Merry Christmas and remember - it a jungle out there!

Armed in NC and Extremely Dangerous

Zero Tolerance for Early Gift Opening, 2007

Employee Advocate - - December 22, 2007

It’s almost Christmas once again. It is the time of year to – crack down on the low-life scumbags who open their presents early!

Last year, a mother had her son arrested for early gift opening. Well, things aren’t getting any better this year. If fact, they are getting worse, according to the Associated Press.

In Rock Springs, Wyo., Misty Johnson, 34, demonstrated that she also has zero tolerance for early gift opening. She started to nag her husband about suspected early Christmas present opening. The nagging grew into a full scale argument. As arguments escalate, they often progress into new territory. Misty then accused her husband of having an affair.

The matter was eventually resolved – with a knife blade into the chest of Shawn Fay Johnson, 34. He went to the hospital and she went to the pokey, charged with aggravated assault and battery, a felony, and misdemeanor domestic battery. She is now free on $7,500 bond.

The couple has been married for about 3 months. If they survive Christmas, they have New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and Groundhog Day to look forward to.

Merry Christmas and whatever you do, don’t open those gifts early!

Zero Tolerance for Urinary Incontinence

A Real Gas War

Employee Advocate - - November 17, 2007

In Detroit, a gas war was taken to a new level, according to the Associated Press and WXYZ News. The owner of a BP station was perturbed because a Marathon station kept reducing its gas prices.

The BP station owner went across the street to the Marathon station to “discuss” the price reductions. A battle ensued, involving six people, according to one witness. One man was whacked with a baseball bat. A long pole, used to change prices, was used as a weapon in the brawl. There was also gunplay involved.

The Marathon owner solved the dispute by shooting the BP owner several times in the head. The BP owner is dead and others are injured.

The people left at the BP station did not let the death of its owner deter them from capitalizing on the situation. While the Marathon station was closed for a police investigation, the price of regular at the BP station was jacked up from $2.96 to $3.09.

Fox Exposes George W. Bush’s Secret Fear

Employee Advocate - - September 28, 2007

G. W. Bush has been exposed for lying about the reason for the Iraq war. He has been exposed for lying about taxes, Medicare and Social Security. Now, Vicente Fox, former president of Mexico, has exposed Bush’s secret fear, according to

Fox let out the news that G. W. Bush is afraid of horses!

Normally it would make little difference if a person is afraid of horses or not. But Bush has tried so hard to project a macho image of a tough, swaggering, hard-riding cowboy.

Even Bush’s often mentioned Texas ranch was only acquired in 1999. G. W. Bush has been accused of being all hat and no cattle. Well, it turns out that his ranch has only 5 cattle and NO horses. The “ranch” is just another Bush prop.

Fox referred to Bush as a "windshield cowboy" – a cowboy who prefers to drive. He added that Bush is "the cockiest guy I have ever met in my life."

In Mexico, Fox offered Bush a ride on his "big palomino" horse, but Bush backed away from it. Fox said ''A horse lover can always tell when others don't share our passion."

Other former comrades are also revealing their true feeling about G. W. Bush.

When Donald Rumsfeld was asked if he missed Bush, he replied with a blunt "No."

Even Alan Greenspan has blasted Bush for displaying poor fiscal discipline.

Now you know why Bush likes to ride a bicycle - it will not buck, bite, or kick him. But even Bush’s bicycle has turned on him.

The Shrug Says it All

How Not to Impress Your Girlfriend

Employee Advocate - - September 20, 2007

This Associated Press and story involves barbecue, alcohol, and rattlesnakes, so you know it has to be good.

It all started at a Portland barbecue when Matt Wilkinson’s girlfriend asked him for a beer. He handed her one, but forgot that one of his pet rattlesnake was also in his hand. Silly Matt. Women usually do not like having rattlesnakes stuck in their faces.

Matt thought of a way smooth things over and impress her at the same time. He said the immortal words “Nothing can happen. Watch." He then stuck the head of the 20-inch rattlesnake in his mouth.

His girlfriend was no doubt really impressed when the snake clamped down on his tongue. Rattlesnake can give a warning bite and inject no venom. This snake must have though that he was being eaten alive. The snake dispensed with the warning bite and went straight for the kill. Doctors said the rattler injected enough venom in Matt’s tongue to kill between 12 and 15 people. His tongue and throat swelled so much that he could not breathe.

Matt’s girlfriend drove him to the hospital. He said "She was the only one sober."

Doctors had to make an incision in Matt’s neck for a breathing tube and place him in an induced coma for 3 days. He survived and was shown handling the snake after he was released from the hospital.

Matt’s 3 Western diamondback rattlesnakes have since been removed from his home. Even so, his girlfriend is now his EX-girlfriend.

Judge Gets to the ‘Bottom’ of Crime

Employee Advocate - - September 13, 2007

Mobile County Circuit Judge Herman Thomas is apparently not content to merely interpret law, according to the Alabama Press-Register. Judge Thomas has been accused of taking matters into his own hands, and administering corporal punishment to inmates.

Judge Thomas is specifically accused of spanking Mobile County Metro Jail inmates’ naked buttocks with a wooden paddle. The judge allegedly took inmates from jail to a small, private room near his chambers for a paddling. Once there, the young men would be asked to drop their pants.

One of the accusers said that he was not even in jail. Judge Thomas allegedly summoned him to the courthouse for a paddling on a Sunday night.

The judge had already been suspended for other reasons before the paddling story broke. He has a total of 30 varied complaints against him.

So, we now have “Paddling” Judge Thomas and “Whooshing” Judge Thompson.

‘Whooshing’ Judge Thompson Gets Nailed

How to Fix a Boeing 757

Employee Advocate - - September 6, 2007

Nepal Airlines experienced technical difficulties with one of its two Boeing aircraft, according to Reuters. The airline is not giving out a lot of information, but local media speculates that an electrical fault plagued the grounded plane.

A senior airline official said that the plane has now been fixed. But apparently the airline wanted some insurance.

Just to make sure that the problem was really fixed and stayed fixed extra measures were taken. The airline sacrificed two goats in front of the Boeing 757 to appease Akash Bhairab, the Hindu sky god.

In the United States, pension grabbing, over compensated airlines executives would no doubt become nervous at any mention of sacrificing old goats.

A Larger Than Life Love Story

Employee Advocate - – September 3, 2007

A tame female Indian circus elephant eloped with a wild bull elephant, according to the Guardian Unlimited. The bull elephant crashed the gate and led Savitri into the jungle with him. Three other female elephants followed them, but they were led back by circus workers.

Savitri is apparently in love with the wild bull elephant. The happy couple were spotted bathing in a jungle pond. When circus handlers tried to lure Savitri away from the bull elephant, she wrapped her trunk around the bull’s leg for protection. The bull made it clear that to get Savitri, the handlers would have to come through him first.

The contented pair will be monitored by the forestry department.

Zero Tolerance for Urinary Incontinence

Employee Advocate – – January 5, 2007

Danville Middle School has zero tolerance for enuresis, according to the Associated Press. Before Christmas, a 12-year-old special education student was helping her teachers and classmates prepare a holiday meal in the Pennsylvania school.

Teachers became upset with the student when she did not want to wash the dishes. This was clearly a matter for higher authorities to resolve. The teachers called in Principal Kevin Duckwork to throw a scare into the student.

Intimidating a 12-year-old girl with a few problems should be easy for Principal Duckwork, as the girl was already terrified of him. In fact, the student was so frightened of Mr. Duckwork that she had previously wet her pants as he browbeat her.

Do you see a potential problem with this plan?

Well, Principal Duckwork did and the girl did. What the principal thought would be duck soup turned into “pea” soup.

Principal Duckwork rolled in to save the day by dispensing discipline and browbeating the girl into submission. The girl predictably wet her pants again.

Now the teachers and Kevin Duckwork all had egg on their faces. What could be done now?

Obviously the girl needed to be frightened even more, so they called in the police and charged her with disorderly conduct.

Guess what will happen in the courtroom if some hanging judge tries to throw a scare into the girl.

These days, the police are called in for everything from pants wetting to early Christmas present opening.

Zero Tolerance for Early Gift Opening, 2006

Armed in NC and Extremely Dangerous

Employee Advocate – – December 30, 2006

A 38-year-old man was apparently looking for excitement at a Christmas party thrown by his girlfriend, according to the Associated Press. He got all he wanted. Also at the Lillington, NC party was Rebecca Arnold Dawson, 34.

They followed the three basic rules for Christmas party excitement:

  1. Get drunk as a skunk.

  2. Get into an argument.

  3. Esculate the argument into a brawl.

Early Tuesday morning, Rebecca Dawson attacked the man. When she was through with him, he required over 50 stitches to the genitals.

What was her weapon of choice? She used her bare hands!

This hellcat was just getting wound up. She also spit on an officer and damaged the police cruiser. She was charged with malicious castration, malicious conduct by a prisoner, and damage to government property. She’s out of jail on $50,000 bond.

If you are thinking of going to a New Year’s party, check the guest list. If you-know-who is on it – stay clear!

The Unkindest Cut of All

Zero Tolerance for Early Gift Opening

Employee Advocate – – December 8, 2006

A Rock Hill, SC mother has zero tolerance for early gift opening, according to the Herald. Her 12-year-old son opened his gift from his great-grandmother on Monday, rather than waiting for Christmas.

It seems that boy’s great-grandmother also has zero tolerance for early gift openers. She said that she gave the boy specific instructions not to open his gift early. She said "He took it without permission. He wanted it. He just took it."

It looked like this lad was well on his way to being sent to bed early, with no milk and cookies. But his mother decided to nip her son’s early gift opening in the bud; she called the police and had him arrested for petty larceny.

The mother explained that she had her son arrested because she was a single mother struggling to earn a business degree and didn’t know what else to do. She said "I'm trying to get him some kind of help. He's the type of kid who doesn't believe anything until it happens."

The mother plans to have her son placed with the S.C. Department of Juvenile Justice at his court appearance.

It sounds like she has chosen the right field. She is undoubtedly CEO material.

And, a Merry Christmas to you.

Zero Tolerance of the Starving

Gas Attack Forces Emergency Landing

Employee Advocate – – December 6, 2006

Shoe bombs are passe. The latest airline grounding was due to a gas attack, according to The Tennessean. No terrorists were involved this time. The Nashville International Airport Authority said that the culprit was a passengers’ uncontrollable flatulence that force American Flight 1053 to the ground.

The fracas started Monday morning when passengers reported the smell of matches being struck. When officials got wind of the event, the plane, with 99 passengers and 5 crew members, was grounded. The FBI, Transportation Safety Administration and airport authority responded with bomb-sniffing dogs to get to the bottom of things. The dogs found spent matches on the plane.

After interrogation by the FBI, a woman passenger admitted to striking the matches in an effort to conceal the odor of her abundant flatulence. She pleaded a medical condition.

Four books of matches may be carried, but it is illegal to strike a match onboard. The lady was not arrested, but was not allowed back on the flight. She is also banned from future flight for “a long time.”

Nipping Terrorism in the Bud

Unique Retirement Plan

Employee Advocate – – October 15, 2006

Timothy J. Bowers, 62, came up with an inventive retirement plan, according to the Associated Press. He had no job or pension and was not old enough to draw Social Security. He needed a way to survive until he was eligible for his meger Social Security payments.

Mr. Bowers found a way to survive. He handed a note demanding cash to a bank teller. He was given four $20 bills. He than handed the money to a bank security guard and told him that it was his day to be a hero.

Wednesday, Mr. Bowers pleaded guilty to robbery and told Judge Angela White “At my age, the jobs available to me are minimum-wage jobs. There is age discrimination out there.” He said a three-year prison sentence would suit him and the judge granted his request.

Defense Attorney Jeremy W. Dodgion said “It's a pretty sad story when someone feels that's their only alternative.” He described Mr. Bowers as "a charming old man."

Prosecutor Dan Cable said “It's not the financial plan I would choose, but it's a financial plan.”

The prosecutors even considered arguing against a prison sentence, as a burden on taxpayers. But they were afraid he would pull a more dangerous stunt to get into jail.

Some CEO’s demand millions of dollars in annual pension payments. But Mr. Bowers was thankful just to get a prison cell.

Just Trying to Beat the Drug Test

Employee Advocate – – September 15, 2006

In February, a couple asked a Pennsylvania convenience store clerk to microwave what appeared to be a severed penis, according to the Associated Press. The man said "Can you microwave something for me? It's a life-or-death situation."

The penis turned out to be fake and was filled with urine. Apparently the couple wanted it heated to body temperature to beat an employment drug test.

One would assume that the man was heating the contraption for his use. But the woman was the one that was going to use it! Her companion, Vincent Bostic, supplied the urine.

She may have passed the drug test, but what if there was an intelligence test? How could she fake it?

Leslye Creighton plead guilty to disorderly conduct. The same charge against her companion was dropped.

The whole incident must have really raised a stink, because the couple agreed to buy the store a new microwave oven.

Zero Tolerance of the Starving

Employee Advocate – – September 4, 2006

Steamboat Springs, Colorado has zero tolerance of starving people, according to The Steamboat Pilot & Today. On June 26, Two men jumped a fence and took spoiled fruit and vegetables from the trash at Sweet Pea Produce. They were charged with felony second-degree burglary and misdemeanor theft.

Under a plea agreement, offered by Assistant District Attorney Kerry St. James, the men will serve six-months in jail and pay $15 in restitution!

Store co-owner Jonathon Hieb said “Once I found out what these guys were being charged with, I contacted (St. James). I told him, ‘We’re not behind this prosecution. We don’t want anything to do with it.’ I thought for sure my input would have some kind of bearing, but he wasn’t hearing any of it.”

St. James also wanted the men fined $42 for each day they served in jail. Judge James Garrecht refused to order the fine.

Zero Tolerance in Baltimore

Mr. Apricot Has an Attitude

Employee Advocate – – July 4, 2006

Mr. Apricot apparently has an attitude, according to CBS 13. You know how small towns like to have festivals in honor of some locally grown fruit. In Patterson, California, apricots are a big deal. Last month, Patterson had an apricot festival and a “Mr. Apricot Pageant.”

Matthew Burgos was crowned Mr. Apricot. He did not swoon or offer a gushy speech. He did express his sentiments by displaying his middle finger to the audience.

The Patterson Apricot Fiesta Board members were so horrified that they stripped Mr. Apricot of his crown.

Matthew is four years old.

First runner-up Michael Montiel is now Little Mr. Apricot.

Some “stage mothers” put their little girls under extreme pressure to win pageant crowns. But no red-blooded American boy really wants to be crowned a honorary fruit.

The most appropriate action is not always politically correct, but Matthew managed to get his point across. Matthew is still the real winner. He will not have to spend the rest of his life trying to live down being crowned Little Mr. Apricot! And, his parents will think twice before they enter him in another cockamamie fruit pageant.

The parents of the new Little Mr. Apricot should start saving now for his future therapy.

‘Whooshing’ Judge Thompson Gets Nailed

Employee Advocate – – July 1, 2006

Thursday, a jury convicted retired Judge Donald Thompson of four counts of indecent exposure, according to the Associated Press. This was not a run-of-the-mill indecent exposure case. Judge Thompson was accused of exposing himself on the bench – during trials – while using a “penis pump” in 2002 and 2003. One trial was a murder case.

Judge Thompson claimed that he never used the device. But police officers took pictures of the device under the bench. His former court reporter testified that she saw him expose himself 15 to 20 times. Then there was the matter of the strange whooshing heard in the courtroom. The whooshing was even captured on the courtroom recorder. Jury members noticed the judge appeared preoccupied with something behind the bench. His court clerk said that the judge exposed himself to her while using the device.

When the investigation began, Judge Thompson tried to solve the matter by firing his court reporter and his clerk.

Judge Thompson claimed the device was a gag gift. Maybe so, but the joke turned out to be on Judge Thompson. The jury recommended a $10,000 fine on each count and one year in prison on each count. He will be required to register as a sex offender. Also, his monthly pension of $7,489.91 could be jeopardized. His bond is $75,000. He still faces a charge of misuse of state property.

Judge Thompson may have learned a little something from the experience. He testified "In 20-20 hindsight, I should have thrown it away."

Judge Thompson is 59 and has served more that 20 years on the bench in Oklahoma. And, he may soon serve in the big house.

‘Whooshing’ Judge Thompson Wins Delay

Zero Tolerance in Baltimore

Employee Advocate – – May 19, 2006

The Baltimore police evidently have zero tolerance for people asking directions, according to WBAL-TV 11 News. After Joshua Kelly and Llara Brook attended a company picnic and watched the Orioles beat Kansas City, they became lost. Some men refuse to ask for directions. They will drive around lost until they run out of gas and suffer from dehydration. But Joshua has a level head and knew the best thing to do was ask a police officer for directions.

He approached a police car and said “Thank goodness, could you please get us to 95?"

The female officer said “No… you just ran that stop sign, pull over.”

The couple offered to pay the fine, but said that they still needed directions.

Llara quoted the officer as saying “You found your own way in here, you can find your own way out.”

The dumbfounded couple flagged down another police car and asked the officer for directions.

The first officer, Natalie Preston, stepped between the cars and said that her partner was not going to give directions if she was not!

Joshua pulled to the curb and Llara called her father for directions. As Llara was getting directions over the phone, Officer Preston screeched up behind the car, ordered Joshua out of the vehicle, and arrested him for trespassing!

In tears, Llara said the she was not leaving Joshua, so she was taken to jail also. After eight hours in jail, sleeping on a concrete floor, police released the couple, without any charges.

While their car was impounded, a pair of sunglasses, a cell phone, and 20 CD’s were stolen.

When lost in Baltimore, maybe it is best to just drive around until you run out of gas and are dehydrated!

Zero Tolerance Santa

Cheney Bags a Lawyer

Employee Advocate – – February 14, 2006

V. P. Cheney is said to be handy with a shotgun. Why only Saturday, he bagged several quail and an Austin lawyer at a Texas ranch, according to the Washington Post. Cheney shot attorney Harry Whittington in the cheek, neck and chest.

Cheney claimed that he did not see the victim, who is now in intensive care. Hey, Bush and Cheney always shoot from the hip. They both believe in shooting (or bombing) first and asking questions afterwards.

Cheney had a valid hunting license, but it is not known if he had a lawyer stamp on it. He was not charged with hunting out of season because lawyers are always in season.

Cheney clamped down on the news for almost a day. Cheney is not noted for being too free with information. He was sued over the information about his 2001 energy task force, and is still keeping the information secret.

Cheney Still Clinging to Energy Secrets

Two years ago, Cheney caused an uproar by taking Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia duck hunting right before the Court was to hear Cheney’s energy task force case.

Justice Scalia and Mr. Cheney

Before that, Cheney bagged 70 pheasants. It was found that they were released from nets for Cheney to shoot. Cheney took no chances this time; he brought his own game with him! Lawyers can be crafty and tricky, but Cheney nailed him good.

PETA President Ingrid Newkirk said in a statement: "Cheney needs to start setting a less violent example by switching to target practice and leaving animals and people in peace."

Wayne Pacelle, Humane Society CEO, said in a statement: "We'd advise him to pursue a less violent form of relaxation and get on with the important business of leading the country."

Cheney, the buffoon, is always in character.

Cheney the Slob

A Wife with Talent

Employee Advocate – – January 11, 2006

Many men are extremely proud of their talented wives. Some wives are remarkable cooks. Some can sing opera. Some can even use a tractor.

According to, David Watkins is proud that his wife knows how to use a two-by-four.

Mr. Watkins was in the front yard of his Florida home when he was attacked by a bear and pinned to the ground! He said "He knocked the air out of me and knocked me backwards. I couldn't breathe."

It could have been curtains for Mr. Watkins. But his wife picked up a two-by-four and wore the bear out. The bear fled, leaving the victim with only a stomach bruise and minor scratches.

Fish and Game officials are not going to trap the bear. So, the bear is still lumbering along somewhere in Florida.

Police Prosecute Pizza Pilfering Perpetrator

Employee Advocate – – January 7, 2006

Big time criminal masterminds cannot just waltz into the top positions of their craft. They must start out with smaller crimes and work their way up to the big bucks. Perfectly executing smaller crimes hones the criminal’s skill and builds his confidence to plan bigger crimes.

In Kansas City, alleged budding criminal, Virgil Dennis, began his career with a pizza heist, according to the Associated Press. This was a chance for him to learn his chosen trade and put food on the table.

Here is how the crime was carefully carried out:

  1. Virgil called Pizza Hut and ordered three large pizzas. That was THREE pizzas, and LARGE, at that. Maybe Virgil has talent.

  2. Virgil gave the address of a vacant apartment downstairs. Good move. It would have been dumb for Virgil to have had the pizzas delivered to his own address.

  3. Virgil allegedly attacked the driver and made off with the hot pizzas. Everything was going like clockwork.

  4. Police arrest Virgil at his apartment, amid a pile of incriminating pizza crusts.

Wait! Arrested! What went wrong?

It seems that Virgil gave Pizza Hut his real phone number! The police used it to pay Virgil a call and charge him with first-degree robbery and armed criminal action.

It is possible that Virgil will never move up into the higher realms of criminal activity. He probably does not have the finesse to make it as a corporate lobbyist or even a politician.

Its Hard to Make a Dishonest Living

Zero Tolerance Santa

Employee Advocate – – December 2, 2005

Local 6 News reported on a 4-year-old girl’s enlightening trip to see Santa at the North Shore Mall in Peabody, Massachusetts. Michelle stood in line to visit Santa and tell him what she wanted for Christmas. After an eternity of waiting, she finally made it to the front of the line.

But she was told that she could not talk to Santa, because her mother did not buy a picture. The least expensive photo was $21, and her mother did not have the cash to buy it.

Maria Grigorian said "To see her crying and saying, 'Mommy I just want to tell Santa what I want for Christmas,' I was heartbroken, totally heartbroken."

This story is sure to warm the hearts of CEO’s everywhere. Sure, some children are sent home crying, but the corporation’s profits are maximized! No non-buyers will be wrinkling up the red suit.

When the story hit the news, the store started backpedaling. A Northshore Mall official apologized and said there is no charge to visit Santa.

Zero Tolerance Loss Prevention

Even a reindeer kick isn't this bad

Zero Tolerance Loss Prevention

Employee Advocate – – November 25, 2005

The Associated Press reported on a carpenter’s adventure while visiting a Home Depot in Methuen, Mass., with a client. At the cash register, the client bought some lumber and handed Michael Panorelli a pencil to do some figuring.

When they went outside, a Home Depot employee asked the carpenter for identification. The employee then presented Mr. Panorelli with two letters. One stated that he was banned from Home Depot, worldwide, and the other stated that he would be hearing from Home Depot lawyers!

It seems that the pencil that the client gave the carpenter had been picked up from beside the cash register. When Mr. Panorelli was through figuring, by force of habit, he placed the pencil into his shirt pocket. Home Depot accused him of shoplifting.

Mr. Panorelli reported his shoddy treatment to the Eagle-Tribune newspaper in Lawrence. The newspaper ran the pencil bust story over the weekend. Home Depot issued a written apology on Sunday stating: "We will not be pursuing any claims against Mr. Panorelli for this incident. We welcome Mr. Panorelli back as a customer in our stores at any time."

The only problem is that Mr. Panorelli does not want to go back to Home Depot – ever again. He said "Why should I put money in someone's pocket when they treat me like this?"

Zero Tolerance Derelict

Home Depot and Lowe's Settlement

Zero Tolerance Derelict

Employee Advocate – – November 24, 2005

Billy Joe Daugherty, of Victory Christian Center in Tulsa, has preached in more than forty countries, including Russia, according to NewsChannel 8.

50-year-old Steven Rogers, who was bussed in from a local mission, apparently had little tolerance for the sermon. He walked up to Rev. Daugherty and punched him in the eye, almost knocking him unconscious. Rogers was going for the knockout punch when he was tackled by a congregation member. Rogers assaulted two other people, before being arrested.

Rev. Daugherty has a black eye, with two stitches in it. He said "Standing just like this, he went 'POW', and that knocked me back and I spun like that and he grabbed my coat. I had been preaching on praise and Thanksgiving in every situation, and this guy walked forward. I thought he was coming to receive the Lord, but he had another plan."

The altercation was not Rogers first brush with the law. He was found to have an outstanding warrant on him.

Rev. Daugherty said the lesson was “We may be knocked down, but we aren’t knocked out. We are still in the game.”

Reporter Mark Bradshaw credited Rev. Daugherty with practicing what he preaches.

Zero Tolerance Underachievers

Zero Tolerance Underachievers

Employee Advocate – – November 16, 2005

Some people are extremely proud of their underachieving status. Some even refuse to tolerate anyone who is not in the ranks of the underachieving. Consider this British case reported by BBC News. A student, 15, was beaten at school by a gang. It was an all girl gang. The girl was attacked because the gang resented the fact that she had won two academic awards hours earlier!

The assaulted girl said "My nose was bleeding, my eyelid was split and all my eyes were swollen up. It should have been one of my best days in school but I spent the rest of the day in hospital."

It was Jonathan Swift who wrote: "When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him." (Or her.)

Zero Tolerance Mother

Zero Tolerance Mother

Employee Advocate – – October 8, 2005

The Associated Press reported an unusual case which stemmed from a fight between two 6-year-old boys in Road Island. The fight was over a pacifier!

The first boy dropped the pacifier and the second boy picked it up. The second boy refused to return the property. Just because the first boy uses a pacifier does not mean that he is a pacifist; he punched the second boy.

The second boy retaliated by punching the first boy.

The mother of one of the boys called in the police.

Using remarkable restraint, the responding patrolman did not shoot the boys with a Taser, spray them with Mace, or beat them about the head and shoulders with a billystick.

Pawtucket Police Detective Donti Rosciti said the mother wanted the fight documented. She was afraid the school would charge her with abuse because of minor scratches on her child’s face.

Zero Tolerance Cabbie

Did Bush Need to Potty?

Employee Advocate – – September 17, 2005

Wednesday, Reuters' photographer Rick Wilking took a picture of G. W. Bush writing a note to Secretary of State Condi Rice at the United Nations Security Council meeting. He did not know what was in the note. When the note was later zoomed in on, it proved somewhat interesting.

Bush wrote to Condi: "I think I may need a bathroom break? Is this possible?"

Bush has never been accused of being articulate, but the note breaks new ground.

First, what is this “I think” business? Does the White House dweller not know if he needs to go to the bathroom? Was he asking for a second opinion?

Not only did Bush merely “think” he needed the bathroom, he wrote “may” need a bathroom break!

To further indicate that Bush was not really sure if he needed to go to the bathroom, he put a question mark after the statement.

Then he asked a real question: “Is this possible?” Did he mean was it possible that he thought that he may need a bathroom break?

Or, was he asking if he really had to go, and was not just imagining it?

Or, was he asking Condi’s permission to go to the bathroom?

One wonders what Condi’s reply was. Was it: “No, you do not need to go the bathroom, you just went ten minutes ago.”? Was it: “I told you to always go to the bathroom before meetings”?

Condi is noted for having a “close” relationship with Bush. At a press dinner, she once had a Freudian slip and said "As I was just telling my husband..." She corrected herself saying "As I was just telling the president.” She goes on vacations with him. She has used flash cards to quiz Bush on foreign policy. Is Condi’s real role Secretary of State or First Surrogate Mother?

Zero Tolerance Cabbie

Employee Advocate – – September 11, 2005

A Florida Taxi Driver does not allow dogs in his cab, according to the Associated Press. On Labor Day, Jywanza Maye boarded the cab, along with his dog. The driver punched him and sped off, dragging the dog.

The prospective passenger was a blind tourist, with his guide dog, Bentley.

It’s lucky for the assaulting driver that it was a guide dog, rather than a trained attack dog.

The cabbie is being sought by the Orange County Sheriff's Office.

Zero Tolerance Movie Theater

Zero Tolerance Movie Theater

Employee Advocate – – August 19, 2005

Be forewarned that this event happened in the town of Wallkill, N. Y. One cannot expect too much from any town that goes around killing walls. The Times Herald-Record reported that the Loews Cineplex theaters in the Galleria at Crystal Run found it necessary to eject a customer.

The bounced patron is seven years old. He has cerebral palsy and autism. He uses a wheelchair. Before being expelled from the theater, he was watching "March of the Penguins," with his parents.

What zero tolerance taboo did Anthony Pratti violate? 15 minutes into the show, he was busted for laughing too loudly!

It was a G-rated matinee performance. The theater was packed with children. Who was to know that management considered loud laughing to be inappropriate? Nevertheless, the manager brusquely said that Anthony had to leave. He offered to let the rest of the family stay, but the loud laugher had to go.

Interviews with the family were sought by at least seven New York City television stations, and MSNBC. The story was broadcast on several radio stations and was picked up by the Drudge Report Web site.

John McCauley, senior vice president of marketing for Loews Cineplex Entertainment, said "We may not have exercised the best sensitivity in handling this situation."

Zero Tolerance Coach is Still Coaching

Nipping Terrorism in the Bud

Employee Advocate – – August 18, 2005

Homeland Security is about a successful as the Bush Administration’s other antiterrorism efforts. In other words, it’s not very successful at all. There was the Tom Ridge plastic and duct tape fiasco. Citizen with almanacs have been profiled as potential terrorists! People have passed airport screening and have boarded planes with big knives and loaded guns. One passenger even brought a bomb aboard a plane and tried to detonate it.

Prior to the 9/11 attacks on America, the government was notified that some foreign students in flight schools were behaving suspiciously. They only wanted to know how to fly jets that were already in the air. They had no interest in learning how to take off or land a jet. This information was ignored.

After the 9/11 attacks, the Department of Homeland Security really outdone itself. It sent a green card approval notice to a 9/11 hijacker, who had already blown himself up when he crashed a jet into the World Trade Center!

If suicidal, hijacking, mass murderers get qualified for green cards, what kind of people get turned down? Or, does anyone ever get turned down?

But Homeland Security is really tightening up airport security these days, according to the Associated Press. The most dastardly terrorists are put on a “no fly” list. The problem is that infants are appearing on the no fly list! Their parents must have the babies' passports and other documents faxed to the airport!

Shouldn’t one be able to tell that an 11-month-old baby is not a terrorist? Some are holy terrors, to be sure, but not terrorists! Ah, but one cannot be too careful. Those tricky terrorists may try to disguise themselves as infants!

So far, there have been no reports of the “baby terrorists” being shipped to Abu Ghraib prison and suspended from the ceiling.

Drop the Almanac, Scumbag!

Mildly Mischievous Marvin

Employee Advocate – – August 10, 2005

Marvin Williams, 22, figured he knew a few things about how to impress the ladies in Florida, according to the Associated Press. He impress two women with a borrowed car. He also impressed them with 7 grams of cocaine. Then he went for the gold.

The females would surely be impressed if he pulled over the car in front of him by using a blue-and-red flashing light on his dashboard. Mischievous Marvin stopped the car ahead, then laughed as the drove on by. Great fun was had by all.

It was a real knee-slapping joke, especially for the undercover Tampa officers that Marvin had pulled over. Now it was the officers turn to stop Mischievous Marvin. His companions were not too impressed with Mischievous Marvin when he fled on foot, leaving them in the car with the drugs.

The officers nailed Mischievous Marvin for cocaine possession, impersonating a law enforcement officer, and resisting arrest. One of the women was not impressed at all, when she too was arrested for cocaine possession.

Mischievous Marvin is out of jail, after posting $4,500 bail.

Citizens Debate Iraq War

Employee Advocate – – August 9, 2005

Citizens continue to engage in spirited debate over the pros and cons of the Iraq war, according to the Lexington Herald-Leader and Editor and Publisher. On Thursday, two old friends in Kentucky took up the debate. Douglas Moore, 65, of Martin, favored the war. Harold Wayne Smith, 56, of Manchester, opposed the senseless slaughter.

The two debating friends were both vendors at the Floyd Count flea market. One more thing, they both dealt in firearms. Anecdotal evidence suggest that each man may have also been a tad stubborn.

Can you see where this is heading? Here you have a heated political debate between two flea market vendors, both armed to the teeth, and neither willing to yield on any point.

The debate escalated into an argument. The argument became a scuffle.

The Gunfight at the Snack Shed

Sooner or later, it just had to happen; both men went for their guns. Harold was a little slower on the draw. He remained standing for about five seconds, after being shot, then collapsed. One could say that he became the latest victim of the Iraq war.

The war hawk ended up killing his old friend the dove. The irony would have been too great any other way.

Not only is Douglas a good shot, but he is also a good talker. He convinced police that the killing was in self-defense and he was released without being charged.

Police advised Douglas Moore not to discuss his views of the Iraq war with others.

Douglas Moore said "I'm sorry this has happened. But then what's done can't be undone…me and Harold was friends. That's all I'll say."

The dead man’s daughter said her father "had different opinions than everybody. He felt it was wrong that all of these young people were losing their lives over what was going on. It was just a political disagreement, like a whole lot of people have."

If You Can’t Beat Them – Merge

Employee Advocate – – August 7, 2005

Salem, Mass. Police officers, ever alert to criminal activity, busted a lemonade stand, according to the Associated Press. The proprietors, aged 9 and 11, were put out of business for not having a vendor’s license.

An employee of a nearby sausage stand dropped a dime on the boys because they were cutting into his lemonade sales.

The public backlash proved too much for the sausage stand to endure. The boys are back in business, operating as subcontractors under the sausage stand’s license. Police said that a corporate merger resolved the problem.

Florida Crime Bust

Zero Tolerance Coach is Still Coaching

Employee Advocate – – August 1, 2005

Mark R. Downs Jr., the T-ball coach with zero tolerance for low skilled players, is still coaching, according to the Associate Press. Mark Downs, of Pennsylvania, is the coach who offered one of his players $25 to injure a mentally disabled teammate, to keep him out of a playoff game.

Eight-year-old Keith Reese testified against Mark Downs at a preliminary hearing. He said "He told me if I would hit (the teammate) in the face, he would pay me $25."

Reese first hit the disabled boy in the groin. Coach Downs said to "go out there and hit him harder."

Reese said "So I went out and hit him in the ear."

Reese's father also testified against Mark Downs. He said "He told me, 'I did something ignorant. I told (Keith) I'd give him $25 to hit Harry in the face to take him out of the game.' "

Reese said he asked the coach for the money after the game, but the coach did not pay off. Downs told him he'd get $25 if he signed up for the fall season.

The disabled boy’s mother testified that Downs suggested that her son should not play. She testified "He said the balls must be after (her son)."

Eric Forsythe, president of the R. W. Clark Youth Baseball League, said officials did not interview either boy and could not prove the coach did anything wrong. Downs remains a coach in the league.

Mark Downs is to be arraigned in September on two counts of criminal solicitation to commit aggravated assault and one count each of corruption of minors, criminal conspiracy and recklessly endangering another person.

Zero Tolerance T-ball Coach

Not Another Liar in the White House!

Employee Advocate – – July 31, 2005

Reporter Helen Thomas cannot stand the thoughts of another liar in the White House, according to The Hill and WorldNetDaily. She said "The day Dick Cheney is going to run for president, I'll kill myself. All we need is one more liar… I think he'd like to run, but it would be a sad day for the country if he does."

Cheney has repeatedly vowed that he will not run for president. But given his relationship with the truth, that is probably a guarantee that he will run for the office!

Ms. Thomas should reconsider her plan. If she kills herself, she will not be able to vote against Cheney.

Concern for Bush’s Well Being

Zero Tolerance T-ball Coach

Employee Advocate – – July 16, 2005

Pennsylvania T-ball coach Mark Reed Downs Jr. has zero tolerance for untalented players, according to ThePittsburghChannel. He was not impressed with a mentally handicapped boy’s abilities and wanted to keep him out of the game.

Coach Downs came up with a way to “discourage” the boy from playing. He hired another player to injure the handicapped boy!

Friday, Coach Downs offer $25 to a player to hit the 8-year-old boy in the head with a baseball, during a warm up game. Police said that the handicapped boy was hit in the head and in the groin with a baseball and was not able to play in that night’s game.

Trooper Thomas Broadwater told Channel 4 Action News "The coach seemed to find excuses not to play this child because he wasn't that talented."

Coach Downs, of Dunbar, was charged with criminal solicitation to commit aggravated assault, corruption of minors and reckless endangerment.

Zero Tolerance Kindergarten

The Way GTE Used to Be

The Human Burrito

Employee Advocate – – June 21, 2005

How does one become a human burrito? For Rickey May, of Pine Bluff Ark., it was as easy as lying down to sleep, according to the Associated Press. Monday, as he peacefully slept, trouble was barreling down the highway.

Devlon Chandler fell asleep at the wheel. His car left the road, struck a telephone pole, ruptured the gas line, became airborne, and crashed through the brick wall of Mr. May’s house.

Okay, where does the human burrito come in? The 4-wheeled projectile caught the mattress as it flew across the bed, and rolled Mr. May up inside it! The weight of the car was on his chest and he was burned by the muffler. But he said that his mattress shell protected him from more serious injury. He is in fair condition in the hospital.

Mr. Chandler took his wife along when he “dropped in” on Mr. May. What was Mr. Chandler doing on the road gambling with the lives of others? He and his wife were returning from a gambling trip. He needed to gamble so badly that he drove to the casino while his license was suspended. He also had no proof of insurance.

The Chandlers injuries were not serious.

Oil Dependency Exposed

Employee Advocate – – June 11, 2005

News Flash - Oil dependency was exposed in London, according to the Press Association. About 100 naked people on bicycles engaged in the cheeky protest.

Banners read: “Oil is not a bare necessity but a crude obsession” and '”Support the trade justice movement.”

Supposedly, 54 cities will join in the worldwide naked protest.

Chad Neilson, 24, said It's a protest against oil dependency and car culture and the overuse of cars for unnecessary reasons. There is too much pollution, it stinks in London, and we use too much fossil fuel. I think people should be a lot more comfortable with their bodies. There is nothing wrong with the naked body."

Well, maybe, but it really seems like just an excuse for people to show their…immaturity.

The Employee Advocate cannot endorse nude bicycle riding for any reason. Can you imagine a naked bicyclist going down a hill making 90 MPH and the chain breaking?

Its Hard to Make a Dishonest Living

Employee Advocate – – June 8, 2005

Saturday, an aspiring thief closed in on his prey in an Ohio department store parking lot, according to the Associated Press. He announced to the lady that he was going to take her purse.

Katherine Woodworth gave the man her purse – sort of. She proceeded to clobber the thug with it until he fled. He ran away with only lumps to show for his strong-arm efforts.

The suspect was arrested and charged with robbery, felony theft, assault, aggravated menacing, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Ms. Woodworth will turn 92 in August. She said "I didn't have my hearing aid in, and I thought he said that he was going to take my pulse. Then he said it again, that he was going to take my purse, and I said, ‘No, you're not.’ ”

Sgt. Tim Hanus said that women that age shouldn't try to fight attackers. The 20-year-old suspect, no doubt, shares the officer’s sentiments.

Stray Dog Rescues Abandoned Infant

Employee Advocate – – May 10, 2005

On Friday, a dog saved the life of an infant in Kenya, according to the Associated Press. The seven-pound, four-ounce baby had been placed in a plastic bag and abandoned in a forest.

The stray dog recognized the infant was helpless and carried it out of the woods, through a barbwire fence, and across a busy highway. The dog placed the newborn in the only place that she knew it would be safe and warm – with her litter of pups.

The Kenyatta National Hospital reported “She is doing well, responding to treatment, she is stable.”

Newborns are often abandoned, due to the high poverty rate in Kenya. Social safety nets are nonexistent in third world countries. Politicians, CEO’s, and their lobbyists continue to do everything possible to destroy them in the United States.

Off The Wall - Page 4